Another week, another set of dropped points in an away match for Tottenham Hotspur.
Crystal Palace, who had been lurking in the relegation zone, were much too strong for a disjointed and discombobulated Spurs side. A stop-start match and poor performances meant the Lilywhites were never unable to get any sort of fluidity going, and the customary Spurs defensive error was enough to give the Eagles the solitary goal they needed to take all three points.
Speaking of eagles, it’s time for today’s theme. We’ve done birds before. Birds are cool. But this was a terrible match, and so deserves a different angle. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of terrible birds.
Okay, so there’s no denying it. Eagles are pretty damn cool. But I’m angry about being beaten by the Eagles, and feel the need to unleash my inner Jeff Bridges. And you know what? Bald eagles are bald-faced LIARS. They try and be the image of freedom and power in the USA, but there’s more of them in Canada! But still, they sound badass, right? Nope, they’re lying about that too, you’re thinking of the red-tailed hawk. I don’t like being lied to.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were good enough to be ranked amongst the least terrible bird on this list, the bald eagle. Lying jerks.
Swans are majestic and beautiful. They’re also colossal jerks. They hiss like snakes, will happily attack you, and are such a menace that a particular set of swans at an Auckland park in the northern part of New Zealand have near national levels of notoriety. Plus, one was a dick to Dustin’s daughter once. Swans are terrible. Unlike the above option, though, a cool band.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as good as the awfulness that are swans. Though I do feel like hissing at the players in the way swans would.
As with bald eagles above, magpies are liars. They love to imitate other birds. But they then combine that with an extreme level of douchery. You’re out for a nice bird-watching trip. think you’ve heard a cool native bird, go in for a closer look, and BAM. All of a sudden, you’re being clawed and swooped by this black and white menace. Plus they steal stuff. You only have to do a quick YouTube search of “magpie swooping” to see just how terrible these guys are. And they’re smart too, so you know it’s intentional.
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): Spurs really struggled to play out from the back, but Destiny was the exception. His driving runs from deep were the only way Spurs managed to get on the front foot in the first half, and he would have started more dangerous breaks if not being repeatedly fouled by his opposite in Munoz with the referee doing little to stop it. Linked up well with Mikey Moore on a couple of occasions, and nearly got himself an assist.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 3.0): It was an anemic attacking display by the Spurs front-line, but weirdly enough, Solanke was one of Tottenham’s best. His hold-up play and ball control were excellent, and if it wasn’t for a bizarre lack of running from the players around him, would have started a number of attacks. With the poor build-up from the back, Spurs should have honestly gone Route One earlier and utilized his strength.
OK, so we have a bird that doesn’t fly. That’s cool. Ostriches can’t fly, neither can emus. Wait, you’re telling me they can’t run, either? Okay, so what can they do? Oh, that’s cool, they can swim? Nice. What’s that? You’re telling me the best way these guys get around and get food is to go to the place where all the things that eat them live? I feel like somebody working in a lab couldn’t design a bird this dumb.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.0): Made a couple of pretty good saves, but his lack of calm on the ball at the back contributed to Spurs’ lack of control, and he was lucky not to be punished for a few flaps at aerial balls.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Started roughly, but grew into the match. Was made to look silly on a few occasions by Eberechi Eze, and was strangely ineffective in build-up which is often a strength of his. Looked brighter late on, with a couple of raking passes that should have led to more than they did.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.5): Worked hard, but at times was left isolated by his midfield partners and had to chase shadows after those around him continuously turned over possession. If I had one critique, it’s that he could have taken more onus on himself to break the lines with his dribbling or passing. Hard to do though when you’re on an island.
James Maddison (Community — 2.0): Had to do a lot of work with Kulusevski a complete non-entity, much of which was dirty work to which he is not accustomed. Was unlucky not to score Spurs’ best chance of the match, and really tried to get on the ball and get the team up the pitch. Arguably should have stayed on longer, but would have been tired after a fair few minutes in midweek.
Pape Matar Sarr (Community — 2.5): Added some much-needed control in the middle of the park. Tried to drive the team forward late, but doesn’t tend to be the most ambitious player when looking for a goal.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.0): Looked threatening and made good runs, which was sorely missing in the first half. A couple of dangerous crosses too. His pace could have been a useful outlet, and even with his finishing woes you wonder if he would have been able to stretch the Palace defense a bit more than those who started.
Potentially a uniquely Australian entry (though the Magpie entry is referring to the Australian magpie, they are slightly more ubiquitous). These birds are despised in the Antipodes, and it takes a uniquely awful level of terribleness to have an entire song written about how much you suck (somewhat NSFW for language). Now you have “bin-juice drinking gronk” in your vocabulary. You’re welcome.
Mikey Moore (Community — 2.5): Hard to rate really. Somewhat overawed by the occasion in his first start, but he’s 17! A big part of Spurs’ struggles in build-up, but when he did rarely get space in the final third, had some neat moments of interplay with Destiny Udogie and James Maddison, one of which led to Spurs’ best chance. I would say I’m grading on a curve, with some thinking I’m possibly overrating him and others saying I’m underrating. Who knows?
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.0): In a match like this it’s hard to apportion blame with regards to the coach vs the players. Ange did name a pretty strong side who just didn’t perform, and injuries on the wing meant he probably didn’t have the flexibility to make changes as he would have liked. That said, Ange waited too long to make changes, and really didn’t bring in the passing needed to get around the Palace press. The 4-4-2 he switched to late on was muddled and ineffective, and he would potentially have been better served having Richarlison taking up space in the wide areas.
So basically the swan entry, but without the whole elegance and majesty bit. And OH MY GOD LOOK AT THIS THING IT HAS TEETH WHAT IS WRONG WITH NATURE (note they are not actually teeth but still WTF)
Cuti Romero (Community — 2.0): A strange performance from the captain on the day, where his usually aggressive passing was replaced by hurried clearances, and his decision to try get to a cross he was never going to reach created space for Palace’s goal. The real story though is his aerial duels: 0/4, which allowed Palace to set up camp often in the Tottenham defensive third.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 2.0): Poor on the ball, both in terms of his touch and his passing. His slip and loss of possession led to Palace’s goal, and it wasn’t the first time. Probably needed to utilize his pace more to break the press.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.0): After a brilliant run of form, he was utterly anonymous, and potentially lucky not to be sent off, walking a tightrope after receiving a yellow card. This reduced Postecoglou’s options for substitutions, much like the Swede reduced the options of his midfield partners by not moving into space. The sort of performance I was afraid of last season after seeing some of Kulusevski’s displays in midfield. He had just over half the touches of the other midfield two. Maybe he’s finally getting tired?
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): A return of last season’s Brennan Johnson (at least the matches where he didn’t score). Terrible in buildup, a turnover machine, and exceedingly frustrating in his unwillingness to make runs to stretch the Palace defense meaning Solanke often had no outlet ball. Really should have been pulled earlier, but Postecoglou wasn’t flush with options.
Richarlison (Community — 2.0): Hasn’t been a great return to the side thus far, and the Brazilian looks clearly rusty. Ineffective up front, often getting in Solanke’s or Werner’s way, and spoiled a gilt-edged chance created by Porro with a terrible touch.
Basically dinosaurs put into a stupid small feathered body with claws. They would murder you if they could. I know it, you know it. They long for blood. And they can’t even beat a football team consisting of eagles, when their whole damn thing is running around! Terrible.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as chickens.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating