As the Premier League returns, let’s look at some real moments of fury on the pitch. You don’t want to see that? Of course we do…
Hugo Lloris v Heung-min Son
In 2020, the goalie runs up to his Spurs teammate as they walk off the pitch and he remonstrates with him angrily. Lloris looks furious and to be fair, Son looks terrified of the keeper. Other players keep them apart but they’re back at it in the dressing room, with Son more aggressive now. No punches are thrown, of course, even though both players look like they’d like to beat each other to a pulp.
Bruce Grobbelaar v Steve McManaman
No-one likes conceding goals, especially in the Merseyside derby. But after Everton score with a 25-yard piledriver, Bruce is furious with floppy-haired Stevie Mac in 1993 and gesticulates wildly, punching the air and shoving his teammate in the face, who does likewise and is having none of it. Rightly so as he couldn’t have done much about it. But the keeper marches after him regardless. The balding Grobbelaar, complete with silly little ponytail, looks beyond angry and barks like a guard dog at him. Maybe he’d had a bet on that he wouldn’t let in a goal.
Lee Bowyer v Kieron Dyer
One of the classic contretemps between teammates. For a few seconds they’re properly going at it and Bowyer has the collar of his shirt torn. As their teammates pull him off and lead him away, Bowyer is literally snarling, baring his teeth like one of those junkyard dogs. Red card for you, son. He’s the manager of Montserrat now. I bet you didn’t know that. Lovely. In contrast Dyer is first-team coach at Chesterfield and has had a liver transplant. The fight was 19 years ago now, back when you had more hair and your knees didn’t hurt. Proper Barclaysmen stuff.
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Lewis Dunk v Antony
The Manchester man repeatedly hacks at Dunk above the ankle, something he’s prone to do in lieu of playing actual football. It’s a proper kick as well. Dunk, being about 20 feet taller, pushes him away like an annoying wasp. Antony is naturally cross about this – even though it was his hacking that caused the whole thing – sticking his jaw out, petulantly and generally being up for a fight the way kids were at school, even though no-one is in the slightest bit intimidated by his stroppiness, part of which involves his face looking like a bee sting. Rarely has anyone’s face said ‘slap me’ so loudly.
Mason Holgate v Roberto Firmino
In the 2017/18 FA Cup the Everton man is trying to get the ball by the touchline and decides the way to do this is to push the Liverpool forward into the crowd. That’s not allowed, Mason. Naughty. Firmino naturally objects to this, is pushed out of the crowd and runs towards the player in that typical footballer way which says I’m going to punch your lights out, mister. But of course he doesn’t. All wind and pish. The referee intervenes. Holgate took his pushing technique to Sheffield United, Southampton and West Brom.
Tyrone Mings v Anwar El Ghazi
In 2019 against West Ham, Mings is cross with his teammate for letting an opposition player get past him and cross the ball for Mings to kick it out for a goal kick. An impartial observer might comment that it’s Mings’ job to defend crosses and he shouldn’t moan. Mings looks very annoyed indeed that he’s had to do what he’s paid to do. But his stern look is somewhat undermined by his haircut which looks like it’s a daft bet. Mings peers out from under a cock-a-poo barnet. El Ghazi is at Cardiff having been at Everton, PSV and Mainz since leaving Villa.
Ben Brereton Diaz v Fabian Schar
The striker has only the Newcastle man between him and the goal and Schar is dawdling with the ball, so obviously Diaz just outright pushes him over with both hands. The defender naturally objects to this, gets up and pushes him back, at which point Diaz clutches his face and collapses like he’s been tasered. What’s more, he refuses all attempts to be picked up and, like a six-year-old, goes all floppy and pretends he’s badly hurt. Every fan hates this sort of play acting and would gladly hurt him properly if it would help.
Juliano Belletti v Cristiano Ronaldo
CR7 is doing his thing on the wing for Manchester United, slips past the Chelsea man who doesn’t accept he’s been beaten and takes the traditional way out by scything Ronaldo down with a sweep of the leg. Ronaldo takes this as well as you’d expect and clearly believes the tackle was a human rights crime, arches his back and swan dives. His reaction is of shock that anyone would commit this sort of crime against his wonderfulness and is quick to check on the monitor to make sure he still looks gorgeous.
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Rafael v David Luiz
The full-back is hacking at the Chelsea player, trying to get the ball, finally crunching him to the ground with a wild kick. Luiz doesn’t leap up and act petulantly. No, he’s not hurt at all and is lying on the floor laughing as the Manchester United player gets sent off.