Good day, Tottenham Hotspur fans! Spurs lost another match on Saturday, falling to Newcastle 2-1 at the Tottenham Hotspur Stadium. That said, except for the usual loud idiots on X, the reaction to this loss was much more one of pride and support rather than anger. Spurs played half the match with no recognized central defenders, 11 players out injured or ill with a virus, and they still took the match right at Toon and were unfortunate not to earn a point for their efforts — especially due to some, let’s call them “unfortunate”, decisions from the match official.
Today’s theme is just a silly one: in honor of Spurs’ newest signing, we’re rating players to the “Kinsky Scale,” a totally real and not at all made up scale that’s all about rating goalkeeper playing styles and not related to anything else that you can google that might sound similar and may or may not be safe at to view at work. And before anyone gets upset, this is just for fun, there’s nothing here beyond a silly surface-level joke, we’re not making any connections. Also this article is late so whatever.
Will give you a heart attack when they Cruyff turn an attacker in their box before streaking up the pitch on the dribble. Examples: Antonin Kinsky, Manuel Neuer, Spider-Man
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 3.5): Are you not entertained? Mate?
No hesitation to rush out and collect loose balls in midfield. Examples: peak Hugo Lloris, Rene Higuita
No Tottenham players in this category.
Not crazy attacking, but comfortable with the ball at their feet. Examples: Ederson, Kepa Arrizabalaga, Marc-Andre ter Stegen
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): Really solid match, especially his crossing and passes from the flank into the box. Some very dangerous passing. Anthony Gordon tested him a lot defensively, but this was an overall very good performance.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.5): Honestly, I’m not sure Archie could’ve put in a better shift under the circumstances. Playing alongside Djed Spence, he was composed on the ball, defended well. This kid is special.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 4.0): Perhaps his best match in a Tottenham shirt. At times showed his youth and inexperience in minor ways but was solid with the ball and at the base of the midfield. Involved in the buildup to Solanke’s goal. Notable that Ange got boos when Lucas was subbed off.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 4.0): On another day he has a hat trick. His headed goal was deceptively difficult, and he had a number of decent looks with his head in this match. Pressed like a monster.
Examples: take your pick of most average Premier League caliber keepers who mostly stay in their area and don’t often go a-rangin’ into midfield.
Brandon Austin (Community — 4.0): We’re not doing half stars today for theme reasons so I’m rating him a little further down than I would otherwise, but he was good! Not much he could do for either Toon goal, but made a couple of good saves and looked competent, if a little nervy, playing out of the back. The sample size is wicked small, but he did not look out of place.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): A tale of two halves for Djed. Looked a little suspect while playing at fullback, but was weirdly composed and solid against a good Newcastle attack playing out of position beside Gray.
Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): A little under his more recent performances, but still covered every inch of grass and had a long shot from the top of the box saved by Dubrovsky.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): Lots of industry but less end product than we’ve seen form him lately.
Sergio Reguilon (Community — 3.0): Credit to Sergio — he’ s not long for this team but he put in a competent shift and showed some real emotion and energy when on the pitch in the second half.
James Maddison (Community — 3.0): Had a few bright moments, none better than that curling shot that went inches wide of the post.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 3.0): He was ok.
Rooted to the stripe. Examples: Jan Oblak, Gianluigi Buffon
Radu Dragusin (Community — 2.5): Feel a little bad putting him this low considering he was likely puking into a trash can at halftime, but he understandably didn’t look his best and had the deflection turned in for a goal by Isak (that would’ve been an own goal). No shade on Radu for obvious reasons, but this wasn’t a great half for him.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): People get tired of me saying this, but when Brennan isn’t providing goals he often is providing anything. I’m struggling to think of what he actually contributed to this match beyond plonking a rebound shot off the post.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.0): Think he needs to go back to Leipzig, it’s just not working here.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 3.0): Another relatively disappointing display. Still seems like he’s not able to get that half step of space in the box to get a shot off like we’re used to seeing, and just isn’t as sharp going forward.
Examples: a marble column, Ent, Stephen Bywater for Derby
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as planting a tree in goal.