PLUS: Why our fans face a brutal week of violence in Europe and the biggest question that Man United's canteen cuts raise
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It felt like a throwback - a walk into the past - when I arrived in Ipswich at the weekend.
Somehow, amid the countless trips to watch and report on football, Portman Road had always passed me by, and it was the way that club connected to its place which lifted the soul. 'Always Proud. Always Ipswich, Always Suffolk' read the legend on the wall outside the club store.
There was no mistaking who was in town, because of the strains of 'We're the Park Lane Tottenham' issuing from the railway station at 6pm, after a 4-1 win for the day's visitors.
Those exuberant singers seemed blissfully unaware that they were out of kilter with a new edict - the club are calling it 'guidance' - in which Tottenham have asked broadcasters not to call them 'Tottenham.'
No, April Fool's Day is more than a month off yet. This request really is included in a Spurs email - entitled 'Tottenham Hotspur Naming Update' - stating various dos and don'ts about acceptable nomenclature for the club.
A 'remastered brand identity' has been 'rolled out across all the Club's physical and digital touchpoints,' we're told. It emphasises to broadcasters that 'Spurs' is fine for brevity and 'Tottenham Hotspur' very much wished for, but plain old 'Tottenham'? Definitely not.
That 'Hotspur' is so very fine - a name with romantic, Shakespearean overtones, which, as one Tottenham-supporting friend tells me, 'felt magical as a kid, because in a world full of Uniteds, Citys, Towns, Athletics and Albions, there is only one Hotspur. If more people refer to us as Tottenham Hotspur, then I'm happy.'
But seven little words in the club email - 'Never refer to our Club as "Tottenham"' - were enough to make your heart sink.
It's all about the global brand, of course. A form of words that looks best on mugs and bags and apparel to sell the 'product' from New York to Nairobi and all points in between.
Well, I rather thought that brand management was all about optics - the image you create for your product. Tottenham's geniuses neglect to see that quietly retiring off 'Tottenham' has a terrible look.
That the local must transcend the global at any British club. That without the district whose name seems a minor inconvenience, there would be no 'Tottenham Hotspur.' That arbitrary decisions about what a club is called - by anyone - are simply not theirs to make.
The local area has been synonymous with that club since the days of the Tottenham boys who kicked balls in the district and formed Arthur Rowe's first great team. It was the Tottenham community which fought against the club's move across London in 1977. The Tottenham locals who turned up, week in, week out, when the club was on its uppers after the war.
'Tottenham' was good enough for Ossie Ardiles in a recording studio before the 1981 FA Cup final, singing of how he'd 'play a blinder, in the cup for Totting-ham.' Another indelible part of the historical fabric, seemingly no more a part of the new 'brand' than Chas & Dave's 'Tottenham, Tottenham, no one can stop them.'
No one can deny the work Tottenham have done in the local area over the years. I distinctly remember the children's faces light up at a primary school where I interviewed Kieran Trippier seven years ago.
But, God knows, that district - with the highest rate of claimed unemployment in London and countless boarded-up properties on the Tottenham High Road - needs all the nurturing, promotion and encouragement it can muster.
An edict that 'Spurs', a mere nickname, take ascendancy over 'Tottenham' does nothing to tell a new global fanbase that there is actually a place called 'Tottenham', postcode N17, in the London borough of Haringey, which - while lacking much wealth - has enabled Spurs to soar.
A place, incidentally, where pensioners have just been told that concessionary tickets for the club's home game are being axed. A 'Save our Seniors' campaign against that is ongoing.
Tottenham are by no means the only club looking to reach for a global future with a casual disregard for the past.
Club badges, a brand consultant's dream, have been routinely manipulated for financial ends. Manchester United' dropped the words 'Football Club' from theirs in 1998.
Tottenham 'reimagined' their own last November, by removing the club's name from it. It was a 'more playful, daring approach,' said the PR spin. 'They ruined a once great badge,' my friend says.
The names of grounds are equally interchangeable. West Ham demand their stadium is referred to as 'London Stadium' when most fans feel it should be 'THE London Stadium.'
A few years ago, I received an email from Wrexham - at whose ground, The Racecourse, I have been watching football for most of my life - instructing me to begin using a new name for it in copy, incorporating the name of a Colorado-based cold coffee firm. Sorry, Wrexham. Absolutely no chance.
Such considerations seemed like double Dutch to the local Ipswich supporters I found sitting beneath an image of Bobby Robson, Mick Mills and that town's great 1980s team on Saturday lunchtime.
They told me they were just pleased to see their little place back on the map, even if this sojourn among football's elite does not last beyond May. 'We love our Ipswich,' said one, a sentiment which, much like the place, seemed like a blast from the past.
Brace yourselves for a wild week
Next week's European fixture list is enough to make you shudder, with two of our clubs in the Dutch citadels of hooliganism - Arsenal at Eindhoven on Tuesday and Tottenham at AZ Alkmaar two nights later, when Eintracht Frankfurt also arrive in Amsterdam to face Ajax.
Some aspects of continental football never left the dark ages. Stab pants at the ready.
Bury FC the Opera?
Bury FC and English National Opera, an improbable combination, are collaborating on a project, called 'Perfect Pitch', to explore the impact of massing singing on team performance.
ENO have chosen the ideal club, who are clambering back to their feet again, top of the North West Counties league, after disgraceful rogue owner Steve Dale took them out of business.
ENO are soon moving to Manchester. Bury FC the Opera? That one could fly.
What the hell are United eating?
Are Sir Jim Ratcliffe's people seriously asking us to believe that they are saving Manchester United £1million by slashing canteen lunches?
Even if United had 1,000 employees - which they don't, anymore - eating in the place five days a week for 50 weeks a year, that would add up to £40 a meal, by that figure.
United are on course to earn £34m less Premier League prize money this season than last.
Given that, based on last year's figures, they would earn themselves £11.5m more by finishing 14th, rather than their current position of 15th, perhaps corporate genius Sir Jim might wish to suggest that Rubem Amorim abandons his precious 'philosophy' and claws back points at all cost.
Given the canteen is his current priority, at £40 per lunch it seems fair to ask, 'What the hell have they been eating in that place?'