Good morning, Tottenham Hotspur fans and blog readers. Look, straight talk — I don’t want to do this article. You probably don’t want to read it. We just started another interminable two week international break, the world is on fire, there are multiple EVENTS happening across the planet, and everything seems grim. I’ve been putting this off — and why not? My favorite sports club just lost at home to the worst team in the league, I have cancer, and my surgical scar hurts.
So we’re doing cute animals with minimal player performance summaries. Don’t read this article, put your usual #jokes in the comments, and let’s just forget this ever happened, ok? Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings to the theme of photos of cute animals.
Yeah, there are no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category.
No Tottenham players in this category either.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 2.5): I mean, he let in two goals but it’s not like he could’ve done much to prevent them.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Probably the wrong choice for the midfield in this match but he did play decent well for much of it. And scored on an offensive set piece, so that’s something.
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.5): Hard to fault him too much for this match. Looked like one of the few players whose engine wasn’t running on fumes.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 3.0): He did have the ball in the net, but only by kicking it off of his own arm. Probably should’ve had at least one other goal but was strangely wasteful with his shooting. One of Tottenham’s better performers, which isn’t saying much.
Timo Werner (Community — 2.5): Timo’s speed and directness were exactly what Spurs needed to get back into this match, and I thought he provided both, though the rest of the squad didn’t help matters much. Timo’d a decent shot attempt 10’ over the bar, which, lol.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Not a great match, but the dude has played just about every minute of every match for the past three weeks. And he put in that one corner.
Cuti Romero (Community — 2.0): More worried about this guy right now. What’s going on with him?
Destiny Udogie (Community — 2.5): Looks exhausted, and why wouldn’t he be?
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 2.5): We know that Deki struggles against teams that put lots of men behind the ball. Probably should’ve been pulled earlier for Maddison.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Bless him, he tried. Bless him, he largely failed.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 1.5): Awful on the ball, lax off the ball. I think he’s a good defender. I don’t think he’s a good defender for Ange.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.0): Terrible match on both sides of the ball, but perhaps to be expected when Ipswich found a way to neutralize his One Weird Trick.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 1.5): I am coming around to the idea that Ange is an incredible manager, capable of maximizing underwhelming ability and getting teams to play his football above their talent level, and also has some really annoying habits like substitutions and in-game management. We should keep him and trust him for the next two years though because a) when it works it REALLY works and b) sacking managers after 18 months and starting over projects has ALWAYS worked well every time we’ve tried it over the past 20 years, right?
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as The Original Piggy Poop Balls.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating