Tottenham was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatever about that. The register of its burial was signed by the kitman, the staff, the Liverpool fans, and the chief mourners. Levy signed it. And Levy’s name was good upon ‘Change for anything he chose to put his hand to.
Tottenham Hotspur was dead as a doornail.
Or are they? Sure, losing 3-6 to Liverpool at home stung quite a bit, but Tottenham at least did it the Ange way, not giving up, continuing to play despite missing ten players and going up against an in-form team at the top of the table. I honestly felt better about getting hammered by Liverpool on Sunday than I have drawing Leicester, or losing to Ipswich.
Going into this article I have no idea what the player ratings would look like. Sure, they got smashed, but was the performance BAD? ...I mean besides the obvious. Guess you’re going to find out by (not) reading this article, right?
I have long said that the closest American analogue to the hyper-local and just plain hyper fandom of English football is college American football. And another uniquely American analogue to the derby is the college football bowl. If you’re British you’ve probably heard of the Rose Bowl, Fiesta Bowl, Cotton Bowl, Sugar Bowl. But there’s a whole slate of minor, lesser bowls available to any college team that finishes .500 in their season. Most of them are sponsored by #brands. And they are GLORIOUS.
So as bowl season kicks into high gear here in the Colonies, I thought we’d take a look at some of the minor bowls that are set to kick off. Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for the loss to Liverpool to the theme of minor American college football bowls.
Iowa State (10-3) vs. Miami (10-2)
Some bowls take things super seriously. Then there’s the Pop-Tarts Bowl. It debuted last season and featured the debut of a giant, instantly meme-worthy googly-eyed strawberry Pop-Tart mascot that rose up out of a giant toaster like phoenix... or like a fiend from the pit. And the best part is the winner of the game literally gets to eat the giant mascot as it slides, piping hot, onto the field for the team to devour. It’s ridiculous. It’s incredible. I’m definitely gonna watch it.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as good as the Pop-Tarts Bowl.
Miami of Ohio (8-5) vs. Colorado State (8-4)
Yes, you read that correctly — the Arizona Bowl is sponsored by your favorite aging stoner rapper and T-Mobile spokesman. I have no idea how this bowl game will celebrate Snoop, but you know it will be awesome and very likely off the freakin’ chain. Fo shizzle.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.5): Almost certainly Spurs’ best player on the day. Looked dynamic and exciting, and took his goal well.
Minnesota (7-5) vs. Virginia Tech (6-6)
I don’t have much to say about the Duke’s Mayo Bowl except to point out that instead of getting doused with Gatorade, the winning coach gets a giant tub of mayonnaise dumped on his head. America!
James Maddison (Community — 3.0): Cut a frustrated figure in the second half and had his head in his hands after being subbed off, but I’m adding a half star for his curling goal.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 3.5): Hardly got any service but he again worked hard in the press and nabbed a smart rebound goal to give Spurs a little hope.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.0): Had the advantage of coming in at a point where effort and industry could make a difference. Lovely ball to set up Spurs’ third goal and you can see things are starting to click a little bit for him at this level. More minutes will help, and I hope we’ll see him take the leap either this spring or next season.
Djed Spence (Community — 3.5): Not a lot of Christmas Cheer in that back line, but if there’s anyone who came out of that match with a little credit, it was Djed. Is he a better Ange fullback than Destiny Udogie right now MY COLUMN
South Carolina (9-3) vs. Illinois (9-3)
When I think of citrus I don’t think of baked cheese crackers, but you gotta admit they’re delicious and meme-worthy. A quick google tells me that the fan experiences are mostly bog-standard, including a pep rally and some “Cheez-It inspired fan makeovers.” Feels like a real missed opportunity for like a giant Cheez-It parachuting from a plane or something, IDK.
Pape Sarr (Community — 2.5): One of the few bright(ish) spots in this match. I appreciated his work rate and ability to cover every inch of grass, even if his stuff mostly didn’t come off.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): Call me crazy but I really think Johnson would’ve been good starting this match, as it seemed like a good situation for his “do nothing but crash the box and tap in goals” play style. Got an assist and nearly scored himself.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 2.5): Whaddya do with Ange in this one? I’m giving him three stars for basically giving all the “aNgE mUsT pLaY MoRe pRagMaTicAlLy” people the middle finger. Are we not entertained? Well the neutrals sure were.
East Carolina (7-5) vs. North Carolina State (6-6)
If there’s one thing college bowl sponsors love, it’s Giving Credit To Our Troops™, whether that’s this bowl, or the IS4S Salute to Our Veterans Bowl or the (seriously) Lockheed Martin Armed Services Bowl. There’s a bowl for all your patriotic holiday needs, I guess.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): I feel a little bad putting Archie this low and he was definitely not the worst defender in that back line, but it’s hard to overlook giving up six goals, even if he was covering for Dragusin most of the match.
Yves Bissouma (Community — 2.0): Kinda grading on a curve here because I yelled at Yves a lot during this match, but Biss had his moments in midfield and things could’ve gotten even uglier if he had played more poorly than he did.
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.0): Still looks hesitant to shoot in the buildup around the box. Worked hard, but ended up with very little to show for it.
Memphis (10-2) vs. West Virginia (6-6)
TIL there’s a “Scooter’s Coffee” which apparently sells enough drive-through coffee in Nebraska to sponsor a real actual bowl game.
Fraser Forster (Community — 2.0): I know. I KNOW. He’s been a good shot stopper lately, but that doesn’t excuse another hospital pass out of the back inside ten minutes that led to a big chance, getting caught in no-man’s land while rushing out for a counter, and being completely at sea for most of Spurs’ goals. Shocking match. Put Googly Elmo in a bacta tank, please.
Radu Dragusin (Community — 1.5): When you’re indirectly responsible for five of Spurs’ six allowed goals and your playing partner, an 18-year old kid playing out of position, is having to reguarly cover for you, it’s a bad game. I can’t think of many defensive performances not involving Davinson Sanchez that were much worse.
Pedro Porro (Community — 2.0): Not one of Pedro’s better matches as he was regularly torched by an in-form Diaz, but the guy needs to sleep for like a week and there’s not a whole lot of respite coming until the new year. I’m not mad, just a little sad for him.
Rutgers (7-5) vs. Kansas State (8-4)
Sometimes sponsorships are fun (see above) and sometimes they’re just confusing and don’t do much to add anything to a college football game. I had to google the Rate Bowl, because the name doesn’t tell you anything about it. (It’s the old Copper Bowl in Arizona). Rate Bowl is just boring, which probably fits for a game between Rutgers and Kansas State.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as bad as the Rate Bowl.
A Christmas Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating