Tottenham Hotpsur didn’t put out the performance that it or Spurs fans wanted on Monday, the first match of the Premier League season. Pedro Porro put Spurs ahead with a headed shot from a James Maddison cross in the first half, but a defensive lapse allowed Jamie Vardy to equalize for the Foxes and Spurs didn’t have enough in the tank to earn a winner. The final score was a rather frustrating 1-1 away draw.
But who cares about that — LET’S POLKA! A few weeks back Weird Al Yankovic released a new polka medley — “Polkamania!” — on YouTube and Spotify. I’ve embedded it above. It’s a good one, too — one of his better ones! I’ve been a Weird Al fan since the mid ‘80s after I first heard “Another One Rides the Bus” on a late night barely audible Doctor Demento show broadcast from a Cincinnatti radio station 250 miles away. So a new polka medly got me thinking — and yeah, that’s today’s theme.
There are too many Weird Al polkas for the number of categories, so I tried to pick a representative sample. You probably have your favorites depending on your own musical tastes and when (or if) you first started listening to Al. These are my picks, and I stand by them. Yell at me in the comments, because you always do.
Here are your Tottenham Hotspur player ratings for their season-opening 1-1 draw against Leicester, to the theme of Weird Al polka medleys.
One of Al’s earliest polkas — actually his first — this one is still my favorite, but that probably says more about me than it does about you. The song selection is all over the place, which was a hallmark of early Al polka medleys — and that’s okay, because it gave him broad latitude to find songs that actually WORK as polka arrangements instead of shoehorning them into a theme. And they do all work! Of course Al is able to add elements of genuine humor sprinkled throughout, and ends with a couple of classic rock anthems by Rolling Stones and The Who, which Al will return to later. This is a classic.
No Tottenham Hotspur players were as good as this polka. Sorry, but it’s true.
This one is, and I think I’m correct about this, Al’s first polka medley that’s arranged around a musical theme (1990s alternative rock) and not just a random collection of songs, and it’s pretty great! Opening with Beck’s “Loser” is a great vibe, and someone managing to make a polka out of NIne Inch Nails’ “Closer” just shows you Al’s own musical genius. I’m partial to Al’s earlier work (mostly because I liked the original music better), and this is a great medley.
Sorry, no Tottenham Hotspur players in this category either.
Honestly, this might just be one of the greatest polka concepts Al every came up with — rounding up all the late ‘90s/early ‘00s white guy performers and bands and polkaizing them. And they strangely all work as polkas! “Chop Suey” is a particular highlight, as is “Down with the Sickness” and ending with “The Real Slim Shady.” Could do without the Kid Rock, but he definitely meets the brief. A great medley.
James Maddison (Community — 3.5): I was worried about Maddison during preseason, but he roared back in this one with one of the more impressive displays in a Tottenham shirt... until about the 60th minute when he completely ran out of gas. Impressive cross into Porro’s head, and did well to organize the offense with creativity, something both Spurs wingers did not provide much of.
Guglielmo Vicario (Community — 3.5): Couldn’t do anything about the Vardy header and had a couple of pretty spectacular saves. Docked a half star for screaming at Lucas Bergvall which made me uncomfortable even though Lucas totally deserved it.
I know. I know! More Early Al from the 1980s. But this one has always been close to my heart for reasons I just can’t explain — making a polka medley from perhaps the most misogynistic Rolling Stones compilation album ever made shouldn’t work. And yet... it does. So well. It’s a departure for Al to do a polka based on one band, and he pulls it off, even managing to smirk a lot at some of the PROBLEMATIC lyrics. I especially love the inclusion of the tenor banjo in the “Brown Sugar” arrangement, the modal transition to Miss You, the exuberant shouting of HEY (hey!) YOU! (you!) Get off of my cloud!, and the closing of “Satisfaction” which is, quite frankly, bad-ass. I love this so much.
Dominic Solanke (Community — 3.0): OK, so he got into good positions but either put his shots wide or straight at the keeper. But the important bit is he got into good positions and also did very well with the ball at his feet. You can see how Ange wants to use him, and I think this was a pretty good performance considering he’s been with the squad for about a week.
Pedro Porro (Community — 4.0): We can never count on Porro scoring goals because he’s as likely to put it in row Z as he is to score a banger, so we should enjoy them when they happen. It was a well timed run and an even better on-target header. He was tangentially involved in the defensive breakdown in the lead up to Vardy’s goal, but I’d considering he was recovering from a tackle he’s probably one of the least culpable. Pretty good match.
Micky van de Ven (Community — 3.5): You know what? That was a pretty good match considering he’s barely had any preseason. Don’t have many notes, except to say that we’re screwed if he gets injured for an extended period of time.
Lucas Bergvall (Community — 3.5): This kid is a STAR and might already be our best player. Controlled the tempo in a difficult situation with swagger. Not that he’s perfect — got screamed at by Vicario for a defensive goof that resulted in a diving save — but
Another wide-ranging medley of early ‘90s hits that does a good job of bringing a bunch of disparate songs together in a humorous way, but somehow it doesn’t come across as cohesive as some others in the corpus. But there are some genuine moments of comedy in this one (“DRUM SOLO!”) and I always giggle at the jazzy downtempo change arrangement of “Humpty Dance.”
Cristian Romero (Community — 3.0): Honestly, that was a very good defensive performance undone by one bad defensive breakdown. And it was pretty bad! That said, on replay I think Cuti is covering for Sarr losing his man centrally, and I think Cuti expected Porro, who was recovering from a tackle and couldn’t recover in time. A big whoopsie-doodle in what was otherwise a solid defensive performance. (“But other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?”)
Destiny Udogie (Community — 3.0): Worked hard on that left side but looked pretty rusty. Willing to let that slide considering he’s barely back from injury.
Pape Sarr (Community — 3.0): IDK, he was all right I guess, lots of running around, decent pressing, but he pooped out pretty quickly in the second half. Set up Solanke with a good through ball but that was more or less the extent of his highlights. And also was just as culpable for Vardy’s goal as Cuti, since he seemed to lose his man forcing Cuti to make a choice to help cover, leaving Vardy free at the back post.
Archie Gray (Community — 3.0): I called Archie “out of his depth” here and I hold to that, though I didn’t think he was awful. I just think the 6 is a tough enough job in Ange’s system and Archie’s not quite ready for that level of pressure. He’s also painfully one-footed which limits his passing options in a position where he really needs them.
Dejan Kulusevski (Community — 3.0): Had a pretty fantastic opening five minutes after he came on, but faded pretty spectacularly after that. Maybe should’ve started in this one? Gotta see more from him, and for god’s sake Deki — SHOOOOOOOT.
One of the sadder things about the evolution of pop music over the decades is that as the millieu shifts from 80s pop to alternative to grunge to more R&B influences, the more Al has to try and shoehorn songs into his polka framework. Al tries his best here, but I just don’t many of these songs actually WORK as polkas, which is the entire central conceit of these medleys. So this one comes across as Al LARPing as a polka parodist. Can’t get behind this one, sorry.
Rodrigo Bentancur (Community — 3.0): Snapped into a few tackles and had a couple of smart shots on target, but I don’t think he’s anywhere close to at his pre-injury best, and that’s sad. Hope he recovers soon from his angry head-knock (and hopefully got the racist knocked out of him).
Son Heung-Min (Community — 2.5): Decent first half, but equally awful second half. I think selecting him might have been a poor choice against this Leicester team, but he’s the club captain, it’s not like he was going to stay on the bench. Probably should’ve been subbed off 10 minutes earlier than he was as he was getting locked down by James Justin late. James Justin!
Timo Werner (Community — 2.5): OK, he was playing out of position, but did very little to unlock Leicester’s defense in the little time he had on the pitch.
Ange Postecoglou (Community — 3.0): Frustrated by Big Ange after this one. I appreciate the dramatic tactic shift to a 4-1-4-1 after Lolo’s injury, but the subs came way, WAY too late and I was not impressed by letting Porro limp around for five minutes when he was obviously struggling out there. Feel like Ange is as culpable for this result as any of the players, and I hate saying it.
This one is a departure for Al in a way that just doesn’t come off. It’s one thing to do a polka medley of songs that aren’t polkas, but “Bohemian Polka” is just a polkafied “Bohemian Rapsody”. We know that song. We know all the funny sing-along bits. Making it into a polka just doesn’t seem all that interesting, and I hate saying it but it just doesn’t hit.
Brennan Johnson (Community — 2.5): I called Brennan “frustrating” in my takeaways piece, and I hold to that opinion that he was the worst Spurs player on the pitch. A couple of decent crosses into the box, but seemed extremely reluctant to take on defenders and looked overall lackadaisical.
Don’t do that. Weird Al rules. Embrace the polka, the humor, the zaniness. And for God’s sake, go see him live in concert at least once before you die.
Tom Carroll Memorial Non-Rating
